These Phrases from A Dad Which Saved Us when I became a New Parent

"I believe I was just trying to survive for a year."

Ex- Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

Yet the truth rapidly turned out to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her main carer in addition to looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he became exhausted. It was a talk with his father, on a public seat, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The simple words "You are not in a good place. You must get some help. How can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now more accustomed to talking about the stress on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan thinks his challenges are linked to a larger failure to talk among men, who continue to internalise damaging perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright with each wave."

"It isn't a show of failure to seek help. I failed to do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health pre and post childbirth, says men can be reluctant to accept they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - most notably in preference to a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental state is vitally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a respite - taking a couple of days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's emotions as well as the logistical chores of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has transformed how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen was without consistent male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing trauma meant his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to modify how he was feeling, turning in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Strategies for Coping as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel under pressure, speak to a trusted person, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the pursuits that made you feel like you before the baby arrived. Examples include exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - nutritious food, staying active and if you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their journeys, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the best way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the security and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they practise "shaking it out" together - managing the emotions constructively.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their issues, changed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I think my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."